It's My Birthday!

Between life and the lack of a PC I feel like I haven't written in forever. That's likely the truth, actually haha.

What can I say though? Life's been good. Some days are more exciting than others, other days are more peaceful than others.

Today is my birthday. I'm twenty two! Or, I will be at 8:23 tonight. This may be one of my more "uneventful" birthdays comparatively, but one where I can look back from 18 til now and see my progress of adulthood. It's not all about me or parties or what I want to do anymore. I'm not in a place to just think of myself and wants all the time, and I'm okay with that!

Last night I went to see Divergent with my cousin and a few friends and hubbs very lovingly offered to stay home with Bree. The night was great! Weird, being out with neither husband or daughter, but fun. Then I came home. Sweet Bree had napped most of the evening and so was wide awake. We finally got her to sleep and transferred into the crib around 1:30/2:00 a.m.

Then I heard the awful sound of a metal on metal outside, followed by a huge crash. What I can only assume was a drunk driver hit the guardrail on the bend across the street, screeched along for a bit, crossed the other lane of traffic, and crashed into the stop sign in my next door neighbor's yard. A few more feet in the other direction and they could have hit their house.

There were five police cars outside, people running with their phones, lights flashing, and I saw someone go into the backseat of one of the cop cars. My heart was pounding for whoever was involved.

Justin and I went back to bed, around 2:30 now. My heart was a drum and I couldn't sleep. And as Justin was falling asleep and I was drifting we heard Bree stir. She was crying differently than usual and as Justin went to bring her into bed we discovered she'd been throwing up.

My dear sweet Bree has never been sick. I had a bad cold a few weeks ago and she sniffled for a day, but that was it. When we were stripped her bed she began projectile vomiting and freaking out because she didn't know what was going on. A bath, two clothes changes, and about ten towels later we were all camping out in the living room watching Friends with out pitiful girl

Around 5:30a I took our old comforter and put it on our bed to lay on and slept in there with her for a while. She spit up a few times but thankfully fell asleep with Daddy til noon.

Now she's had mommy milk and coconut milk. Only threw up once this morning, and was very happily watching Mickey Mouse before passing out, where I am now watching her breathe contentedly on the couch. Hopefully this bug will be out of her system now and I can get the six loads of laundry done!

That's been my birthday so far. Oddly enough, I don't mind. It's perfectly okay. I'm a wife and mom now. That's my job, my calling, and I love it, even on the tough days. My house is a disaster zone. That's okay too. I'm going to take my time today with my girl and make sure she feels better. I'm going to wash the pukey towels and sheets.

As my mother in law told me today, it's "a true welcome to motherhood, sick babies don't recognize birthdays."  It's true! And it's okay because it's not about me anymore, it's about my family, all of us.

So that's my birthday, despite a sick baby and hubbs being gone at work all day, its been a good one. I'm blessed, happy, and very loved.

There Is Freedom

It's been quite a week for me.

It's been quite a month really. The busyness of the holidays and family and feeling overwhelmed with everywhere to go and everything to do. And then housework and laundry adds up because you're too flipping busy and spent to get much done.

Between that and life crud, finances being super tight and feeling like our life is in a rut, my old enemy came creeping back into my life.

I'd like to say it came as if from nowhere, but the depression crept in over a few days and I felt it seeping in the corners whether I tried to ignore it or not. The stress, the weariness, the exasperation, the melancholy over certain life situations.... it all added up and multiplied and weighed me down till I broke down.

I battled depression pretty severely as a teenager, something that was brought up this week in sharing a bit of my testimony with a group of kids who were hurting like I had been. Life is good, I'm happy, I have no logical reason to be depressed. But depression isn't logical.  And throughout my life, the good times and the bad, it's something I've struggled with.

Lately I've been pretty good. It's not cracked through in months I'd say. But things added up, I got wore out, and over the course of three days I felt myself sinking. The self hatred and the anger and the loneliness.  And the rest of the crap that is depression, that I cannot explain unless you've been there yourself. The stuff that makes you feel horrible.

I cried. All day. My poor sweet Bree didn't know what to think. I was angry over the things that kept popping up in my mind, and that led to sadness and regret. Things not to dwell on. I didn't want to pray, I didn't want to read my Bible or worship. I wanted to crawl in bed and sleep for weeks. Justin came home to see a weepy morose wife and a perplexed worried baby.

I cannot go into detail here of the things that have been weighing on me lately. I can't share the who's and whats and whys, it's the internet after all. But I worried and stressed and kept it all bottled up inside til it wouldn't be contained. I was honestly afraid of a mental break.

During the evening, a bewildered husband taking care of the perplexed baby so the weepy mom could save some sanity, I wrote to a dear friend far away. I wrote about my troubles and my worries and how I was feeling. I asked for prayer, because my mind was so crazed at that moment I couldn't pray myself. I asked for encouragement and help. And she did. I felt a lot better. I prayed myself. I went to sleep.

When I awoke in the morning, I could feel the darkness of depression had lessened. It was pinned back again, wherever it decides to go when I fight it off. My tearful prayers that night and the prayers of my friend (and I assume my husband's as well) worked.

Justin told me to take the day off from the house. I got to work out that morning (which always makes me feel better) I got Bree down for a nap for three hours, and I had me time. Something completely underestimated and underused for most people. I Pinterested and watched Doctor Who and drank hot cocoa and wore sweatpants and cuddled pillows. It was so refreshing. I prayed and did absolutely nothing in my house. No dishes, no cleaning toys, no vacuuming. Nothing.

IT WAS AMAZING!

And I feel so much better today. I've had time to reflect and spend some time with my Jesus. I went out to run an errand with someone and came home to find Justin had sealed all our drafty windows and doors for me and fed Bree. A small task to some, but a pressing one for me recently and it meant a ton to come home to it done..

As I was doing dishes today I had Bethel Music radio playing on Pandora. It's as if Jesus knew and played every song I needed to hear (which, I'm sure was the case, He's a cool dude). Two songs in particular really encouraged me. They were exactly what I needed to hear. Jesus Culture's "One Thing Remains" and "Freedom Reigns." Oh my heart.

"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me."
"Where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. Freedom reigns in this place, showers of mercy and grace."

Just what I needed to hear today. Just what I needed to be reminded of. I was so consumed with my worried and stresses and I didn't give it to Him. I assumed He'd take care of it (which He always does) but I didn't give Him my worry, and I didn't receive His peace. I was in a bad place, and that bad place clouded my vision even more, to the point I didn't want to talk to my Lord about it.

But today I feel so much better. The worries haven't gone away yet, but they will. And dwelling on them does nothing. Things beyond my reach and control aren't going to change by freaking out.

Things are tough, but they're on the move. Change is happening. I believe God is going to send Justin the job he needs and wants. One he loves and enjoys and gives us more than just getting by, but enough to bless others as well. We'll get a house someday. Relationships with some people may not be restored, but God knows the people that will affect us positively vs negatively.

Instead of getting so worn down, I also have to remind myself to slow down and take moments (or days) to recharge my battery. Unhappy depressed me does nothing good. Being burnt out hurts not only you but other people. After my "vacation day" I feel so much better. I don't mind the sink full of dishes or the crumbs on the couch, I'll get to them. I'm going to enjoy my days now instead of rush to get things done. My little girl's smile and laughter and adventures are far too fun to miss out on or rush past.

There is freedom, yours to accept or ignore. I'm taking it a day at a time, and today I accept what is mine.
<3

Italian Glazed Chicken Puffs

I made these tasty treats for dinner tonight, a total flying by the seat of my pants and pulled out of my brain recipe. I didn't document the steps, but remember them fairly well, and the above picture is the ending result! Keep in mind I rarely use exact measurements unless I'm following an exact recipe, but I'll try my best here.

Italian Glazed "Teriyaki" Chicken Puffs

Things you'll need:

Sharp knife
Cutting board
Large stove top pan
Baking sheet
Spatula or fork
Whisk
Bowl

Ingredients:

A large can of refrigerated flaky biscuit dough (such as Pillsbury, but I used an offbrand.)
Two chicken breasts
A packet of dry Italian dressing seasoning
White wine
Worcestershire sauce
Flour
Pepper
A can of chick broth
Shredding cheese (I used mozzarella)
Olive oil
Sugar

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Take your chicken breasts and dice them into bit sized pieces and toss them in an olive oil coated stove top pan. Turn heat on medium high. Open Italian seasoning packet and lightly sprinkle some of the powder on top of the chicken pieces. Set the rest of the packet (at least half to 3/4 full) aside.

Take the Worchestershire toss and just throw some in the pan, enough that all the chicken pieces are sitting in it, but they aren't covered or submerged. Toss some flour, maybe two teaspoons full, in the pan and keep cooking chicken by turning and coating in the pan's mixture.

Once chicken is evenly cooked but still tender and not brown, take out of pan and set aside in a bowl.

You should have some remnants left over in your pan if you continually cooked at medium high heat, if there is some stuck on, don't worry that's even better! Take your white wine (about a cup) and pour in the pan, turning heat on high. Let the alcohol cook down as you use a fork or whisk to mix in the flour/spice/Worcestershire remnants together. If it was good and browned it will turn the wine a bit of a golden or brown color.

Continuing to stir/whisk, pour in some of the chicken broth, mixing well with the wine and letting bubble. Add  the rest of the seasoning packet and some flour (I think I used about two tablespoons, possibly more, this will thicken the sauce so use to your discretion) and continually stir, turning heat down to medium. As it cooks and thickens you can add more chicken broth, I think I used half of a can, 3/4 at most. While stirring and cooking, add a teaspoon or two of sugar, it adds a nice sweetness.

After sauce is cooked, thickened, and the alcohol is sufficiently cooked out, turn off heat. Grab the cooked chicken pieces and throw them in the pan, coating them all evenly with a rubber spatula or spoon. Grab a handful of your shredded cheese and throw that in there too, coated and stirring. Make sure your heat is off. Set aside.

Take your baking sheet and open your can of biscuits. Take each biscuit "slice" and flatten, stretching if you can. Flatten and make as wide as you can, not too thin however, or they will break once you add the filling you just cooked.

Once all biscuits are flattened, take your spatula and add some of your chicken and cheese filling and place in the center of each biscuit with enough room to grasp the edges and pinch together, in a bit of a biscuit pot.

Fill each biscuit.

(My can made 8 filled biscuits, and I had some filling left over. I imagine if you added an extra breast and another can the filling would stretch more, into 16 puffs. I find that three of the chicken puffs fill me, half of one fills my 15 month old, for an example of what your family may eat.)

Place the filled biscuit "puffs" evenly spaced on your baking sheet (I did not use tin foil and did not grease it) and place in the oven for 15-17 minutes, or until puffy and nicely browned.

And there you go! Italian chicken puffs that kinda taste like teriyaki chicken haha. I hope you enjoy!

Jesus, Love, And Duck Calls

If you're on social media in any form, watch any news programs, or simply open your email's homepage you have probably seen the news about Phil Robertson's GQ interview and in repercussion his suspension from his show, Duck Dynasty.

On my Facebook page I've seen many varying comment and posts about it from my many friends, conservative and liberal alike. I've seen some hurtful things said on both sides, which honestly hurts my heart concerning those friends.

Rather than post a ten word status or share a link, I thought I'd blog about what I'm thinking through all of this. So, here we go!

Let's start with this. My political views are neither conservative nor liberal, neither republican nor democratic. Let me also say this, the first amendment which so many people are quoting, protects your free speech from the government, not friends, family, or employers. Just to put that out there.

Let's also put Phil Robertsons' direct quote here. (You can click HERE to read the full interview).

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

Mr. Robertson has also come under fire for allegedly racist slurs, but let's read that quote real quickly...

“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field.... They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’—not a word!... Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.”

Now from my personal newsfeed I've seen people ranting and raving and going so far as to say that Phil Robertson is a racist who denies the civil rights movement. I do not believe he says anything similar to that in any form. He was raised in the deep south, and that is his memory of what life was like growing up then. You cannot say that the people he encountered were mistreated or not. You were not there, he was, and that was his recollection. Can we just look at that objectively?

I wish we could look at this whole thing objectively but I don't think that will happen unfortunately. No matter the opinion or belief, everyone believes their way is the correct way and isn't open to anything else. And that's alright, if you're going to believe in something you need to be willing to stand up for it wholeheartedly.

Which, if you look at this objectively, is exactly what Mr. Robertson was doing. Voicing what his belief and opinion is.

Now myself... oy. This is such a heavy subject that weighs on my heart often. So I plan on being open and honest and I hope you can bear with me, regardless of religious beliefs, spiritual beliefs, or sexual orientation. I'm sure I'll come under fire either way from both sides, so why not be honest.

I personally do not care who marries who or who loves who. Of the many friends I've had over the years, many were heterosexual and many were homosexual. Who am I to say who they love? I am not them, I'm not in their head, and I've not had their experiences.

That being said, I am a Christian. I believe in Jesus, and the Bible. And I cannot deny what my God has said on that subject. That would be wrong, and not standing up for what and who I believe in.

I also believe, however, that as a Christian we are not called to judge those who do not share our faith. Which is why I will not judge how a person who does not believe in my God lives their life, it's not my place.

“We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus—whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?” - Phil Robertson

Mr. Robertson has come under fire for that comment as well. Folks, I don't believe he was saying being gay is like terrorism. As a Christian we (most of us) believe that all sins are equal, there isn't one worse than another. I am as guilty as you, vice versa, and I believe that's all he was trying to say.

Anything anyone says in writing can be taken the wrong way and twisted into something else. It can be printed or repeated out of context and you cannot correctly express emotion or tone. We don't know where exactly they were in conversation when those quotes were expressed nor do we know what else was said afterwards, because it wasn't shared with us. Same goes for TV interviews which are often edited and things are removed and placed in different areas. Point being, unless you're face to face you generally aren't getting the whole story, tone, or the reason behind it. Especially when someone writes and article about you who clearly disagrees with your beliefs and opinions; they can spin it anyway they want. And people will perceive it that way.

 "I myself am a product of the '60s; I centered my life around sex, drugs and rock and roll until I hit rock bottom and accepted Jesus as my Savior. My mission today is to go forth and tell people about why I follow Christ and also what the Bible teaches, and part of that teaching is that women and men are meant to be together. However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other." - Phil Robertson's statement after his suspension

My point here is this, the Bible is known for  it's stance on homosexuality. I don't understand why people are still shocked when a Christian expresses their belief in the Bible, that's our guide, our manual.

I have nothing against LGBT groups. I honestly don't. I have no hatred or dislike of them. And I know God doesn't hate them either. God has SUCH love, for everyone He created. Everyone. Oh such love. So powerful and amazing, and I wish everyone knew it and felt it.

I don't know why God said what He did in His word. But I cannot go against what He says. It's my faith. I may not understand why, some things may be confusing, but He is my Savior and I live under His grace and New Covenant.

I may not understand everything He says, or why, but I know He says what He does for a reason and for my best interest. Just like any parent may set rules or guidelines for their children's protection or safety that they may not understand, I believe that God said what He did for that same reason. I may not know why but I obey that.

Now that is me. Because I am a Christian. I will not condemn someone who is not a Christian for living a different lifestyle or having different beliefs. Phil Robertson said that too.

One of my friends on Facebook posted today that she hoped anyone who liked or followed the Robertsons would unfriend her, she wanted no part of any who would be derogatory. I hope anyone reading this knows from the bottom of my heart, I am not being derogatory or hateful, and I do not believe Phil Robertson was meaning to be either.

I would hope that anyone reading this isn't offended, but being that it's the internet I'm sure that its nearly impossible to not have stepped on any toes. But know that I am not saying anything out of hate, or anger, but out of a hope to spread understanding. I'm sorry if anything has hurt anyone in anyway. But I can't lie about my beliefs to please someone. Because that would offend the person I love most, above all.

I am friends with a variety of people. I have atheist friends, pagan friends, religiously Christian friends, spiritually Christian friends, Islamic friends and while we have separate beliefs that doesn't mean I care for anyone any less. The same goes for Christian friends I disagree with on what certain verses may or may not mean, or parents who disagree with my parenting style and beliefs. Just because we live differently or believe differently doesn't mean we cannot coexist in peace, respect, and love for one another. That was after all, Jesus great commandment, yes? To love one another?

It's not fair to demand freedom to live how you want, do what you want, say what you want, if it's not the same for everyone to have that freedom also. That goes to both sides. You will not win anyone over, or change minds, or at least garner support or respect if you are hateful to those that are different.

With all of that, I will still watch Duck Dynasty. I'm a fan of the Robertson family, and while I do not know them in person, I imagine they are a very loving group of people who stand firm in what they believe in. I leave you with the Robertson Family's official statement (which you can read again HERE.)

"We want to thank all of you for your prayers and support.  The family has spent much time in prayer since learning of A&E's decision.  We want you to know that first and foremost we are a family rooted in our faith in God and our belief that the Bible is His word.  While some of Phil’s unfiltered comments to the reporter were coarse, his beliefs are grounded in the teachings of the Bible. Phil is a Godly man who follows what the Bible says are the greatest commandments: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Phil would never incite or encourage hate.We are disappointed that Phil has been placed on hiatus for expressing his faith, which is his constitutionally protected right.We have had a successful working relationship with A&E but, as a family, we cannot imagine the show going forward without our patriarch at the helm.  We are in discussions with A&E to see what that means for the future of Duck Dynasty.   Again, thank you for your continued support of our family."

34 I give you a new commandment: that you should love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you too should love one another.

35 By this shall all [men] know that you are My disciples, if you love one another [if you keep on showing love among yourselves].

John 13:34-35

Amplified Bible (AMP)

The Challenge

These pants you see here to left? Those are my pre-pregnancy pants.

8/10s.

I'm definitely not an 8/10 anymore.

I find the best way to challenge yourself is to make it publicly known what you're doing, otherwise, if you fail it's perfectly fine because no one knew about it anyway.

I've come to love my body, in all of its imperfection, so much more postpartum than I ever did before I was pregnant. As a teenager and young adult I thought I was so fat. I was so insecure. And I was so wrong! I wasn't a size 2, no, but I had a flat stomach, was somewhat toned, and while I wasn't skinny I was thin and curvy. I thought I was disgusting.

And then I look at myself now. Let's just throw this embarrassing fact out there, I'm a size 16 right now. I was an 18/20 two weeks after giving birth. I gained about 50 pounds during my pregnancy, and my already large hips got larger. (The hips just never went back haha.)

While I am quite larger than I was before my first pregnancy, I also love my body a lot more. I've come to see it for what it is. I grew a life. Does that resonate with you? It's pretty astounding to me.

I grew a life, a human being, inside of me. I grew this amazing, nine pound baby, for ten months. And then I birthed her. Out of my body. All on my own, without help! I'm a freaking rockstar. This body GREW A HUMAN. I also solely kept her alive for seven months with just my amazing breastmilk. I not only housed and grew a person, I kept them alive with my body afterwards.

These stretchmarks that are forever tattooed upon my stomach and hips, those lovely ripples in my previously flawless skin, are my reminder of how strong I am. How powerful I am.

And so I love myself. So much more than my insecure former teenaged self ever thought she would.

And in loving myself, I want to feel better about myself. I still struggle with insecurity sometimes. Other times I look at my lovely hefty self and smile. I am that ultra curvy, smiley, sarcastic mom you see in supporting roles in romantic comedies. I'm the best friend who cooks. And I love that about myself! My husband loves that about me!

However. I have decided I want to feel better about myself and my health. I am horribly out shape. I am no longer toned and my muscles are nonexistent. I have no energy! Not okay. Not okay because my baby is morphing into a toddler before my eyes and getting super active because of it. I need to keep up with her. I need to be able to lift her!

So this is my challenge. I already eat pretty well, and I'm not one to go on a diet to lose a few quick pounds just to gain it back when you resume your normal eating habits. I eat a lot of chicken and veggies, and I have the occasional Starbucks. I'm fine with that.

But for Christmas, I'm getting a gym membership. I used to love working out. I shed the pounds fast when I'm active, so that's what I aim to do! Regularly. Those jeans you saw above are my goal pants. I will fit into those pants! I am not putting a date on it, because I know I'll feel better just by doing cardio and toning muscles on those awesome machines I used to adore.

I tell you this because I want to be accountable. I'm done with being lazy. I am fine with being a 10. I am happily married to a man who adores my body no matter the size or shape I'm in. I don't need to be a 4, I don't need to attract anyone (face it, the usual force behind girls losing weight), I don't need to be a 2 to feel good about myself or to get people to like me, and honestly, my structure wouldn't look good as a 2 or 4. I haven't been a size six since I was 16! I am a mom, a wife, and I'm fine with getting back to a ten. I just can't be this out of shape exhausted person anymore. That's the driving force behind this challenge. Getting into my old jeans is just a bonus! So is not having to buy new jeans anymore haha.

So there you go. My challenge! It may take a while, I'm a busy person. But I'm okay. I am happy with the fact that I will get "me time" in a gym. Something I am just doing for myself.

(smile)

My Favorite Season!

It's winter!

Not really. It's still technically fall. But it feels like winter, we had our first snow two weeks ago! Ahh Ohio.

My fall, my beloved, eagerly awaited for fall, hasn't lasted long. It was barely here. It was so enjoyable while it was, and then we got the sudden cold snap. Two days ago we had one solid day where it was warm enough for me to open the windows (60 degrees). It was that crisp, breezy cool I love so much. And then the chill and rain appeared again.

Not that I don't love rain. I love rain. So so much! But the crisp cool kind. Not the kind that is so freezing cold it seeps into your bones and you never feel warm again. That is still nice rain, but nowhere near enjoyable you know. Especially considering now when it rains my knees and ankles start aching like and old woman who just got done working on the farm all day. What is this nonsense?!

So I'm just pretending it's winter already so I don't feel bad about the lack of appropriate fall weather.

I'm getting so pumped for the upcoming holiday season! I adore Halloween, of course, and Justin and I threw our first annual Halloween party last month. We went as a vampire and her slayer.

It was a blast! We went all out. And by all out I mean fifty dollars in pizza and fifty dollars in printer ink to print a Halloween bunting for our fireplaces and a freaking ton of "Halloween-y" and Harry Potter labels for bottles and decorations, and I even made a spooky map to some common Halloween places. Leading to our house, Castle Dracula of course haha. Justin bought a strobe light but we didn't end up using it, we just watch corny scary movies and The Walking Dead!

Now it is November. I am thrilled! It's the start of the best time of year. People are generally more happy and of good cheer, more thankful than grouchy, and I can listen to Christmas music. I so look forward to Thanksgiving!

I look forward to it so much.... that I couldn't help myself. I made a pre-Thanksgiving dinner with Justin this week.

It was really the most wonderful of days. I watched a Thanksgiving Hallmark Channel movie with Bree, did some laundry and cleaning, listened to rain and Christmas music on Pandora... and Justin came home from physical therapy with the groceries  requested. He even helped with dinner by peeling the potatoes for me, pouring me wine while I worked on stuffing veggies, toasted bread for me, and made the chicken all on his own.

After it was all done (a significant decrease in the usual Thanksgiving food cooking time, due to the fact we weren't roasting a turkey) we sat down together, my sweet husband, lovely baby and myself, and enjoyed a dinner we worked on together.

IT WAS SO WONDERFUL!

Now I'm working on my list for Christmas to do's. A fabulous book I need to buy for a tradition I want to start, entitled How Murray Saved Christmas, twinkle lights for our dining room and new tree, some ornaments, our own stockings (our only stockings adorn Nana and Poppa's house), and various family present ideas.

Tis the season! The best part of the year. I am so excited and aim to enjoy every moment. That's what's been going on in the life of this little family!

Quality Time

I miss my husband.

While Autumn is my favorite time of year and I never want it to end, I can't wait for December. Because that will mean Justin graduates from school and I'll actually get to spend time with him!

Right now he is working and going to school, both full time. He isn't home often, and when he is, our time is mostly spent with friends or family. Which I don't mind, I love seeing our friends and family! But I miss him sorely. Our alone time and family time with Bree has been really lacking.

When we were first married and kept having dates instead of just hanging out with friends, someone (single) asked me why alone time mattered so much, since we lived together and saw each other all the time. Until you're married/in a serious relationship, you just will never understand.

Do we sleep in the same bed? Yes. We wake up and see each other. But then it's a mad rush of showers, baby, and coffee and Justin is out the door. Sometimes he doesn't get to come home until almost ten. So yes, I see him when he comes home. I sometimes get to make dinner for us as a family. Then it's the process of putting Bree to bed. Or having people over or going to visit someone. Which we love, our friendships are important to us and need cultivating. But can you see where the alone time, talking and catching up with each other, romancing each other comes in? Kinda hard to squeeze in there.

I'm realizing we need a change of priorities. Work and school we are not able to work around right now, but we need better time management. Less TV time, more family time. Time with extended family and friends, but first and foremost with OUR family.

You get so busy with things and people that time flies by and you realized you haven't had an actual conversation one-on-one with the love of your life in far too long. My heart is pretty sore today. Some if you're reading this, married, dating, whatever... make time in your life for those who matter most. Even when it's hard. You can fit it in somewhere.

I miss Justin. Bree misses Justin. He was home for some of this morning (a Saturday) and Bree happily played around, content we both were near, but as soon as he started getting ready to leave she got fussy. When he left, she sat by the door and screamed for him. This season of life is okay, but not very fun. And when we don't see each other, get to cultivate our relationship, we're like two roommates. We get short with each other, impatient. It's a vicious cycle! Summer spoiled us.

So, that's what's going on with this little family this week. Boredom, loneliness, lack of time. Crying baby. I am so in love with my family, I'm not enjoying this very much.

Toodles.

I Found A Flea

I found a flea. On me. This morning.

WHAT?!

This is NOT okay. Especially considering that we do not have any pets. Our downstairs neighbors did. Illegally. For the entire summer. I'd be pretty pissed if this was because of that. But alas, there is more than likely no legitimate way to prove that.

I feel itchy.

I'm fairly certain I killed it. But then it disappeared and that makes me think... mmm.... maybe not.

As most people know, I'm a very "natural" minded person (you can read all about that HERE), so I'll be trying some alternative treatments before we go to chemicals. Not just because it's natural but frankly I don't want icky chemicals around my daughter.

And apparently they can't live long if there aren't animals to feed on. (But I'm not sure I believe that.)

I'm so skeptical! About many things. I don't think that's a bad thing, it's been the leading force behind all my research about everything I'm know and am passionate about. Skepticism can be healthy! It's okay to question things.

However. Because I am so skeptical and often seen as "against" things, there are some things I refuse to look into. I know enough about GMO food and chemicals and Big Pharma... honestly I am coming to understand the term "ignorance is bliss." Because it really is. However, I would rather know what I know to better help and protect my family. But once you know what you know, there is really no going back!

Having said all that, I still eat pot pies, drink Starbucks, and really enjoy fast food on occasion. Because, while I know what I know, I also know that God's got my back and some things I can enjoy. Now, if I knew suchandsuch caused cancer directly, I wouldn't willingly continue to put that in my body. But I know that Wendy's once in a while won't kill me.

Meanwhile.... the flea has not turned up. It has come to my attention that vacuuming and baking soda and the fact that we lack carpets and pets may  deter them. As soon as the baby is done napping, it's on!

It's Bree's Birthday!

Today is my little girl's very first birthday! Whoa! It's been a crazy busy year that has flown by way too fast. I may not be online very much today (only by the grace of a nap am I writing this now!) but I wrote a little bit in retrospect for the past year, which you can read here.

Have a lovely day, I am off to celebrate and play with my little girl :)

Our Comfy Little Home

As a teenager I never expected to have the life I do today. I never thought I'd be married to such an amazing man, or have such a lovely daughter. I'd always dreamed of having a cozy, warm, inviting home for my family and friends. And while we don't have a house of our own yet, God has really come through and realized many of my dreams, including a cozy place to call home.

I've been wanting to get up some sort of virtual "tour" for my friends and family who can't visit (yet) and here it is! Finally. Hope you enjoy seeing the place our little family calls home.

(p.s. it's missing pictures of Bree's room and our room, but we aren't finished with those rooms yet. When they're done and adorable they'll be added haha.)

Bree's First Birthday

So much has happened for our family since this time last year. On September 24th of 2012, I was past my "due date" and we were awaiting Bree's arrival! Anxiously waiting every day for some sign of impending labor.

On October 1st, 2012, at 42 weeks exactly, I gave birth to our 9 pound 20 3/4 inch long daughter. I was in labor for 16 hours (pretty short for a first labor, I wonder how short my next births will be!) and gave birth in a labor pool. It was a hard, challenging, amazing experience.

My brother in law Adam gave us the name "Bree" and Justin and I compromised with a hyphenated middle name, Bree Elizabeth-Grace Falkenstein. The exalted one, born under God's promise, having His unmerited favor. What an awesome name meaning!

The night Bree was born.

She is so stunning, and continues to light up our life daily. Here are some of my favorite pictures of her through this past year...

The last two were taken this morning. She's so grown up in her big girl princess jammies!

This little girl has changing our lives so much, and definitely for the better. I cannot imagine life without her. I don't remember what life was like without her. She brings us so much joy and happiness it's crazy.

There are days that are long and hard, some that are short and sweet, and lots of tears and smiles in between. She has gone through long tiresome days with lots of people who want to hold her, overstimulation from holidays, a long roadtrip, moving to a new home, cold temperatures, hot temperatures, bedtimes when she wants to stay up with mommy and daddy and play, teething, really bad gas... and has been a trooper through all of it. I think she will be a very strong little girl. These things might seem minuscule or no big deal to us, but they can be very hard for a person who has no understanding of what's going on and can't communicate yet. She has done great!

Bree loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Tangled, Happy Baby Creamies, ripping up magazines, playing with her toy entertainment table, chewing and biting, going through all the groceries on our kitchen shelves, bouncing to music, watching people worship, mommy milk, and watching Mulan with Daddy. She also loves going on walks in our carrier and meeting new people!

Dear sweet little Bree, Mommy and Daddy love you so much. My heart swells with pride every time I look at you! I am so excited for this awesome life you are going to live, and all the great experiences you will have. You are such a sweet kind little thing, and I know that will carry on into your childhood and adulthood. God is doing (and will do) so much for you and for others through you. I can't wait to celebrate your birthday with you! It's hard to think about you advancing towards toddlerhood. My little baby. The itty bitty I grew for ten months, and gave birth to. We stayed up all night together on Christmas Eve and gave Daddy his present in the middle of the night and watched The Polar Express. I'm very excited for more holiday fun with you as you grow older.

The big first birthday party is this weekend, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse themed! That's what's going on in the life of this little family this week.

Grace.

I just read a pretty interesting article written by a pastor and his wish to offer love to the LGBT community when they so often receive judgement and hatred from Christians. I'm not here to write about that or my view on that, but a quote he used in his post that was eye opening.

"There is someone that I love even though I don't approve of what he does. There is someone I accept though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is...... me." - C.S. Lewis

Wow. Isn't that the truth. And isn't it the truth that if Jesus extends such grace towards us that He forgives every dastardly thing we may say or do, and loves us in such a way that we don't deserve... that we should love and forgive ourselves? That we should love who we are and not dwell on things we've done? And if we are able to forgive and love ourselves, should we not love others that way as well? To give them grace and forgiveness and love?

Easier said than done, many times yes. But I think that should be our goal. Which seems like it would be common sense, but for a lot of Christians I don't think they realize that. How many Christians have I seen (myself included sometimes) who have passed judgement on a person or situation without grace or forgiveness? We are called to follow Jesus and be like Him, but I think as a mass group we've really failed at that many times.

If I have learned anything in the past the three years of my life, it's not to make a judgement call on a person or situation based on someone else's view or opinion. I refuse to do that anymore. "Well  this person thisthisthis..." JUDGED. "Well this church thisthisthis..." JUDGED. "Well *celebrity of choice here* thisthisthis..." JUDGED. "Thisthisthis.... thatthatthat..." JUDGED.

I am so done with judging. I am overwhelmed by the stress it brings my life. I can no longer judge anyone on what someone else says about them, or because of what someone on the internet says about them. No more. I want to give second chances, and grace, and forgiveness. I want to be like Jesus. Should something arise that can't be moved past, or if Jesus speaks to me about something, I will listen. But I have seen enough hurt and loss lately that I can no longer judge by the world's standards.

Another thing I want to work on is forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for judgments I shouldn't have made, for hurtful things I may have done or said, for being human. I really hate being human sometimes. But, I am a human, and need to forgive myself when I act like one instead of Jesus.

I do want to be like Jesus though. I want people to look at me and think "I want what she has. I want that peace, that love, that confidence, that strength." I want to be so like Jesus that people want to know Him like I do. I don't want to seem arrogant, or know-it-all, or pushy. I want to be grace-filled, and Spirit-filled, and peaceful, and confident in my faith so when trials arise I stand strong in my Savior, unwavering, without fear or trepidation.

And I am working on it. Jesus made me a new person and works in me daily. But when I mess up, please have grace with me. I will give the same to you as well. <3

This.Day.Of.Mine.

Well, week really.

Alright, let's be honest. It's not been a pleasant month.

I'd have to say overall, we are blessed and happy. But those stupid life circumstances that just like to worm their way under your skin and try to ruin your day... grrrr.

I don't need to go into great deal, but over this past week Justin and I lost some people we'd considered very close friends, and it's been a painful process. Add to that arrogant people who like to shove their opinions down your throat, spiritual warfare, and teething, and nope... I can honestly say I've not been a happy camper lately.

I have been fighting it though. I have been listening to worship music and reading my Bible and getting totally encouraged and renewed by it. Then my flesh rears up and I have to stomp it back down, and that has happened back and forth... 

But today I gave up. I cried and whined and have been totally down and angry. Bree has been fussy and crabby and screaming and never wanting to be put down or take a nap, and I've been stressing about the house I've been neglecting to take care of my daughter. (A constant battle I think every mom struggles with, and a situation we all have to realize isn't a big deal. People will understand the house is imperfect. Or a freaking mess. And if they don't have the grace and empathy to, well they just don't seem thoughtful to me.)

Bree sat down mid scream and fell asleep. That is how grouchy she was from lack of rest.

I felt bad she fell asleep on the floor, but after three sessions of dozing and awaking upon entering her crib, hell would freeze over before I dare move her and risk the baby anger again.

I got to pee and have some chocolate milk before she woke up fifteen minutes later. It was something. But man was I a grouch after this day, poor Justin. Bree still isn't in bed, and it's almost midnight. I miss when she would go to sleep all night I got to have alone time with my husband, it's really affected us, especially since school has started back up for him. I am definitely ready for this season of sleep deprivation to be over again. Dear Jesus please! And for the craziness of family and friends to die down for a while. That would be so refreshing.

For tonight,
Alyssa

My New Blog!

I really have no idea who will read this, but hello if you are! This is my second blog. My first, The Crunchy Mama, has been mostly about parenting topics, and as I have a lot of readers I don't know, I decided to make a second blog for more private uses. Just about me, my family, and my thoughts about life!

Sooo... this is the intro to that. I don't really have much else to say, but feel free to check in time to time and see what I've got going on!