It's My Birthday!

Between life and the lack of a PC I feel like I haven't written in forever. That's likely the truth, actually haha.

What can I say though? Life's been good. Some days are more exciting than others, other days are more peaceful than others.

Today is my birthday. I'm twenty two! Or, I will be at 8:23 tonight. This may be one of my more "uneventful" birthdays comparatively, but one where I can look back from 18 til now and see my progress of adulthood. It's not all about me or parties or what I want to do anymore. I'm not in a place to just think of myself and wants all the time, and I'm okay with that!

Last night I went to see Divergent with my cousin and a few friends and hubbs very lovingly offered to stay home with Bree. The night was great! Weird, being out with neither husband or daughter, but fun. Then I came home. Sweet Bree had napped most of the evening and so was wide awake. We finally got her to sleep and transferred into the crib around 1:30/2:00 a.m.

Then I heard the awful sound of a metal on metal outside, followed by a huge crash. What I can only assume was a drunk driver hit the guardrail on the bend across the street, screeched along for a bit, crossed the other lane of traffic, and crashed into the stop sign in my next door neighbor's yard. A few more feet in the other direction and they could have hit their house.

There were five police cars outside, people running with their phones, lights flashing, and I saw someone go into the backseat of one of the cop cars. My heart was pounding for whoever was involved.

Justin and I went back to bed, around 2:30 now. My heart was a drum and I couldn't sleep. And as Justin was falling asleep and I was drifting we heard Bree stir. She was crying differently than usual and as Justin went to bring her into bed we discovered she'd been throwing up.

My dear sweet Bree has never been sick. I had a bad cold a few weeks ago and she sniffled for a day, but that was it. When we were stripped her bed she began projectile vomiting and freaking out because she didn't know what was going on. A bath, two clothes changes, and about ten towels later we were all camping out in the living room watching Friends with out pitiful girl

Around 5:30a I took our old comforter and put it on our bed to lay on and slept in there with her for a while. She spit up a few times but thankfully fell asleep with Daddy til noon.

Now she's had mommy milk and coconut milk. Only threw up once this morning, and was very happily watching Mickey Mouse before passing out, where I am now watching her breathe contentedly on the couch. Hopefully this bug will be out of her system now and I can get the six loads of laundry done!

That's been my birthday so far. Oddly enough, I don't mind. It's perfectly okay. I'm a wife and mom now. That's my job, my calling, and I love it, even on the tough days. My house is a disaster zone. That's okay too. I'm going to take my time today with my girl and make sure she feels better. I'm going to wash the pukey towels and sheets.

As my mother in law told me today, it's "a true welcome to motherhood, sick babies don't recognize birthdays."  It's true! And it's okay because it's not about me anymore, it's about my family, all of us.

So that's my birthday, despite a sick baby and hubbs being gone at work all day, its been a good one. I'm blessed, happy, and very loved.

There Is Freedom

It's been quite a week for me.

It's been quite a month really. The busyness of the holidays and family and feeling overwhelmed with everywhere to go and everything to do. And then housework and laundry adds up because you're too flipping busy and spent to get much done.

Between that and life crud, finances being super tight and feeling like our life is in a rut, my old enemy came creeping back into my life.

I'd like to say it came as if from nowhere, but the depression crept in over a few days and I felt it seeping in the corners whether I tried to ignore it or not. The stress, the weariness, the exasperation, the melancholy over certain life situations.... it all added up and multiplied and weighed me down till I broke down.

I battled depression pretty severely as a teenager, something that was brought up this week in sharing a bit of my testimony with a group of kids who were hurting like I had been. Life is good, I'm happy, I have no logical reason to be depressed. But depression isn't logical.  And throughout my life, the good times and the bad, it's something I've struggled with.

Lately I've been pretty good. It's not cracked through in months I'd say. But things added up, I got wore out, and over the course of three days I felt myself sinking. The self hatred and the anger and the loneliness.  And the rest of the crap that is depression, that I cannot explain unless you've been there yourself. The stuff that makes you feel horrible.

I cried. All day. My poor sweet Bree didn't know what to think. I was angry over the things that kept popping up in my mind, and that led to sadness and regret. Things not to dwell on. I didn't want to pray, I didn't want to read my Bible or worship. I wanted to crawl in bed and sleep for weeks. Justin came home to see a weepy morose wife and a perplexed worried baby.

I cannot go into detail here of the things that have been weighing on me lately. I can't share the who's and whats and whys, it's the internet after all. But I worried and stressed and kept it all bottled up inside til it wouldn't be contained. I was honestly afraid of a mental break.

During the evening, a bewildered husband taking care of the perplexed baby so the weepy mom could save some sanity, I wrote to a dear friend far away. I wrote about my troubles and my worries and how I was feeling. I asked for prayer, because my mind was so crazed at that moment I couldn't pray myself. I asked for encouragement and help. And she did. I felt a lot better. I prayed myself. I went to sleep.

When I awoke in the morning, I could feel the darkness of depression had lessened. It was pinned back again, wherever it decides to go when I fight it off. My tearful prayers that night and the prayers of my friend (and I assume my husband's as well) worked.

Justin told me to take the day off from the house. I got to work out that morning (which always makes me feel better) I got Bree down for a nap for three hours, and I had me time. Something completely underestimated and underused for most people. I Pinterested and watched Doctor Who and drank hot cocoa and wore sweatpants and cuddled pillows. It was so refreshing. I prayed and did absolutely nothing in my house. No dishes, no cleaning toys, no vacuuming. Nothing.

IT WAS AMAZING!

And I feel so much better today. I've had time to reflect and spend some time with my Jesus. I went out to run an errand with someone and came home to find Justin had sealed all our drafty windows and doors for me and fed Bree. A small task to some, but a pressing one for me recently and it meant a ton to come home to it done..

As I was doing dishes today I had Bethel Music radio playing on Pandora. It's as if Jesus knew and played every song I needed to hear (which, I'm sure was the case, He's a cool dude). Two songs in particular really encouraged me. They were exactly what I needed to hear. Jesus Culture's "One Thing Remains" and "Freedom Reigns." Oh my heart.

"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me."
"Where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. Freedom reigns in this place, showers of mercy and grace."

Just what I needed to hear today. Just what I needed to be reminded of. I was so consumed with my worried and stresses and I didn't give it to Him. I assumed He'd take care of it (which He always does) but I didn't give Him my worry, and I didn't receive His peace. I was in a bad place, and that bad place clouded my vision even more, to the point I didn't want to talk to my Lord about it.

But today I feel so much better. The worries haven't gone away yet, but they will. And dwelling on them does nothing. Things beyond my reach and control aren't going to change by freaking out.

Things are tough, but they're on the move. Change is happening. I believe God is going to send Justin the job he needs and wants. One he loves and enjoys and gives us more than just getting by, but enough to bless others as well. We'll get a house someday. Relationships with some people may not be restored, but God knows the people that will affect us positively vs negatively.

Instead of getting so worn down, I also have to remind myself to slow down and take moments (or days) to recharge my battery. Unhappy depressed me does nothing good. Being burnt out hurts not only you but other people. After my "vacation day" I feel so much better. I don't mind the sink full of dishes or the crumbs on the couch, I'll get to them. I'm going to enjoy my days now instead of rush to get things done. My little girl's smile and laughter and adventures are far too fun to miss out on or rush past.

There is freedom, yours to accept or ignore. I'm taking it a day at a time, and today I accept what is mine.
<3

Italian Glazed Chicken Puffs

I made these tasty treats for dinner tonight, a total flying by the seat of my pants and pulled out of my brain recipe. I didn't document the steps, but remember them fairly well, and the above picture is the ending result! Keep in mind I rarely use exact measurements unless I'm following an exact recipe, but I'll try my best here.

Italian Glazed "Teriyaki" Chicken Puffs

Things you'll need:

Sharp knife
Cutting board
Large stove top pan
Baking sheet
Spatula or fork
Whisk
Bowl

Ingredients:

A large can of refrigerated flaky biscuit dough (such as Pillsbury, but I used an offbrand.)
Two chicken breasts
A packet of dry Italian dressing seasoning
White wine
Worcestershire sauce
Flour
Pepper
A can of chick broth
Shredding cheese (I used mozzarella)
Olive oil
Sugar

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

Take your chicken breasts and dice them into bit sized pieces and toss them in an olive oil coated stove top pan. Turn heat on medium high. Open Italian seasoning packet and lightly sprinkle some of the powder on top of the chicken pieces. Set the rest of the packet (at least half to 3/4 full) aside.

Take the Worchestershire toss and just throw some in the pan, enough that all the chicken pieces are sitting in it, but they aren't covered or submerged. Toss some flour, maybe two teaspoons full, in the pan and keep cooking chicken by turning and coating in the pan's mixture.

Once chicken is evenly cooked but still tender and not brown, take out of pan and set aside in a bowl.

You should have some remnants left over in your pan if you continually cooked at medium high heat, if there is some stuck on, don't worry that's even better! Take your white wine (about a cup) and pour in the pan, turning heat on high. Let the alcohol cook down as you use a fork or whisk to mix in the flour/spice/Worcestershire remnants together. If it was good and browned it will turn the wine a bit of a golden or brown color.

Continuing to stir/whisk, pour in some of the chicken broth, mixing well with the wine and letting bubble. Add  the rest of the seasoning packet and some flour (I think I used about two tablespoons, possibly more, this will thicken the sauce so use to your discretion) and continually stir, turning heat down to medium. As it cooks and thickens you can add more chicken broth, I think I used half of a can, 3/4 at most. While stirring and cooking, add a teaspoon or two of sugar, it adds a nice sweetness.

After sauce is cooked, thickened, and the alcohol is sufficiently cooked out, turn off heat. Grab the cooked chicken pieces and throw them in the pan, coating them all evenly with a rubber spatula or spoon. Grab a handful of your shredded cheese and throw that in there too, coated and stirring. Make sure your heat is off. Set aside.

Take your baking sheet and open your can of biscuits. Take each biscuit "slice" and flatten, stretching if you can. Flatten and make as wide as you can, not too thin however, or they will break once you add the filling you just cooked.

Once all biscuits are flattened, take your spatula and add some of your chicken and cheese filling and place in the center of each biscuit with enough room to grasp the edges and pinch together, in a bit of a biscuit pot.

Fill each biscuit.

(My can made 8 filled biscuits, and I had some filling left over. I imagine if you added an extra breast and another can the filling would stretch more, into 16 puffs. I find that three of the chicken puffs fill me, half of one fills my 15 month old, for an example of what your family may eat.)

Place the filled biscuit "puffs" evenly spaced on your baking sheet (I did not use tin foil and did not grease it) and place in the oven for 15-17 minutes, or until puffy and nicely browned.

And there you go! Italian chicken puffs that kinda taste like teriyaki chicken haha. I hope you enjoy!